A lining of silver.

In past years, a week like this would probably have caused me to take to my bed in a dysfunctional attempt to sleep away stress. I'm giving credit to a combination of hard-earned wisdom and Lexapro. What's up, you ask? Here's a quick list:

1. Orientation and the start of class at LSU. Nothing big in and of itself--except that I've had little time to prepare to start teaching next week. At one time, this was the ONLY thing I had to worry about this time of year. How I miss those days of youthful naivete. :-)
2. My job at The Princeton Review. I took a second job to stave off financial difficulties (see number 3 below). Initially, it was going to be standard test prep and tutoring. Right before training started, I was asked to work in a new and experimental program, teaching ACT preparation to students at an underperforming high school as a contractor for the school board. I agreed to this, mainly because I was excited by the opportunity to help some of the kids improve their scores enough to make it into a better college. I'm still excited by the potential to do this, but with each passing day it's becoming harder to convince myself that the decision was a smart one. The rotating block schedule that Istrouma High uses is bizarrely complex (even the teachers there have little clue what's going to happen in the next week). Partially because of that, prep time for teaching there is a huge burden--yet I am only in the classroom (and getting paid) 10-15 hours a month. At $15/hour, that's...not enough.
3. Financial crap. Again. The combined total of my LSU and Princeton Review paychecks isn't enough to cover my basic monthly expenses. And no, I don't have cable or any other frivolous stuff. The main culprit is rent, which has skyrocketed since Katrina. So I went to see the financial aid folks at LSU. Surprise! I am very close to the allowable aggregate for graduate students--which means two things: 1) The $1000 I got this semester is it. Period. No more financial aid for me. Ever. I've never qualified for grants for some reason, so I don't expect them in the future. 2) I owe $130,000 in student loans. Now, I was aware that my students loan total was frighteningly large; I just tried not to think about it, since there was nothing practical I could do to fix it. I was NOT aware, however, that I'd reached the loan cap. Paying off $130,000 isn't even the most immediately worrisome thing here; instead, I'm wondering how I'm going to juggle the obvious need for a third job with the need to finish my dissertation and get the hell off this merry-go-round. I'm also wondering how I'm going to pay my bills this month, but that always seems to work itself out somehow.

I suppose that this list could be officially categorized as whining. But for me, the biggest thing is that I'm not freaking out. I'm a fairly competent teacher (I actually think I'm pretty damned good) so I will handle that stuff. I'm not exactly sure how or if the financial stuff can be fixed, but I know it won't kill me. Yes, I'm worried--but I'm not a basket case. And that, in my eyes, is real progress.