So. About that "gay" thing.

This is gonna be long. But today's my birthday, and this is my first entry. So for both reasons, I claim immunity from long-post complaints. Additional disclaimer: Though it may well be interesting to the rest of my dear readers, this post is aimed specifically at my LSMSA comrades; other posts should be more general.

A few months ago I created a blog-city profile. Purpose: To see and comment on blogs by several friends who use the service. Then, just a couple of weeks ago, I finally discovered the mailbox that goes along with having a blog-city profile. Among other items, the mailbox contained a message from M. that read, in part: "BTW, do you know how much fuss you've created by putting 'gay' on your profile?? LOL" Nope, M., I had no idea.

Well, okay...I did have a little idea. Just a tiny one. But after all, if Jennifer (aka Fred) figured it out, I assumed that other people had as well.

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE CALL DAY

DAVID and FRED are seated in the crowded, brightly-lit shop, eating beignets.

TITLE OVER:

Summer, 2003

DAVID

...and that's when I knew that I am gay.

FRED

(rolling her eyes and looking pained)

Ohhhhhhh--we were wondering when you'd ever figure it out. We all knew way before we ever even met you, practically. I mean, you never even showed any interest in me at all...and you still didn't know? What a maroon!

DAVID (V.O.)

At least, it went something like that. Fred's always been so...well, snotty in her alternative-ness.

INT. NISSAN TRUCK NIGHT

David drives along a residential section of Perkins Road as Fred rides shotgun. We HEAR "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS" playing on the truck's radio.

DAVID

I get the distinct feeling that something cynical is required here. Some kind of witty sardonicism.

FRED

I've found a new boyfriend to be co-dependent with. You probably won't be seeing me again. At least for a few years, until he and I break up and I need some schmuck to pour my pain out to.

DAVID

Yes! Just like that! I wouldn't have thought of that, but it contrasts so well with the music. Oh, Fred, you're the best fucked-up giftie I know!

FADE OUT:

THE END

Anyway, several people have pointed out that I shouldn't feel obliged to explain this. I understand and agree. At the same time, I feel that people who are close to me have the right to know me as I am. And besides, I want to explain. I'll get serious now, but make it as brief as possible:

I didn't really, consciously know until late December of 2000, when I had a sudden epiphany. It went pretty much exactly like this: "Oh, wow, that's what's up...I'm gay. This is gonna be really interesting--I'm gonna be a minority. Okay, well, if I am gay, then that means there have got to be a lot of other men like me walking around--there've got to be a whole lot of gay men who don't "get" that whole gay production-number thing. So where are all the other gay guys who aren't like Jack on Will & Grace?"

The question that everyone eventually has is, "How in the world could you not know?" It's probably hard to understand how one could suppress something so huge, unless you've had a reason to do so. The closest thing I can offer to an explanation is this: I was never exposed to masculine-normative gay men. Like most other people, I didn't even know that such a thing existed. Therefore, that possibility was completely closed off to me. After the epiphany, I looked back on my life, and realized that internally, I was clearly gay even before puberty. But all those thoughts, all the suspicions in the back of my head, had no place to go. If being gay meant being skinny, fashionable, and effete, then it was simply outside the realm of possibility for me.

I am very, very lucky for a number of reasons. The first is that my "coming out to myself" episode happened late. That was lucky for me because by the time I realized the truth, my response was not so much "This really sucks, how the hell am I going to deal with this?" as it was "This is going to be tough and interesting." I think it's telling that among my first thoughts was to wonder where all the other guys like me were.

I didn't have to wonder for long. I soon found the bear community--basically a large, international gay subculture that likes to fight over the very definition of "bear". For what it's worth, here's the definition from Resources for Bears--it's as good as any:

The most common definition of a "bear" is a man who is hairy, has facial hair, and a cuddly body. However, the word "Bear" means many things to different people, even within the bear movement. Many men who do not have one or all of these characteristics define themselves as bears, making the term a very loose one. Suffice it to say, "bear" is often defined as more of an attitude than anything else - a sense of comfort with our natural masculinity and bodies that is not slavish to the vogues of male attractiveness that is so common in gay circles and the culture at large.

As time has passed, I've found myself identifying less and less with bear culture--but it's been a very handy way to "break into" life as a gay man. Bear culture gave me things that I really needed at the time, and a group to belong to was not the least of those things.

Since 2000, a lot has happened. The only people in my life who still don't know that I'm gay are my mom and dad--and that will change soon. My brother and sister and their spouses know, all of my colleagues at LSU and BRCC and The Princeton Review know. I've become very up-front about it because I want it to fade into the background sooner rather than later--if that makes any sense. And if you're reading this and wondering, "Why didn't I know?" I have an answer for you: If I didn't tell you directly, it's because I never had a good chance to do so. At the time that most of you were still in Baton Rouge, I had no clue myself. Later, I was loathe to turn relaxing, enjoyable gatherings into Dave's Gay-O-Rama by bringing it up. I've now arrived at a point where I've learned how to do it in a way that keeps me comfortable, and (hopefully) reassures others if necessary.

Which brings me to that luck thing again: I am very, very lucky to have so many cool family members, friends, and colleagues. I actually had to stop the people in my department at LSU from throwing a party of sorts to celebrate when I came out to them in a Black Box performance. My brother and sister (and sister-and-brother-in-law) have been extraordinarily wonderful from the moment I told them. And my friends, down to the last gal and guy, have been exactly the same.

And now, I suppose I'll open the floor for questions and comments. I've left a lot out (for example, my 3-year relationship with a man named Bob, to whom I was engaged, and with whom I remain close friends). I hope, however, that I've provided enough of an explanation here for a beginning of some kind. If any questions come up, I'll answer them here or via private E-mail, as appropriate.